The Samurai Way of the... Bow?

What are Samurais most popular for? I, as a very white American, would assume the answer would be the mystic culture that surrounds the samurai's swords. Well surprise surprise, the incredibly caucasian man is incorrect. Outside of Frank Miller's wet dreams, real life samurai never really used the sword. But they did revere one weapon above all else... The bow. 

It makes sense if you think about it. Samurai were professional warriors, and fighting folks at arms length with a piece of sharp metal seems incredibly risky. Instead, why not pick off your enemies at a distance? That's why in real samurai tradition, they followed Kyuba no michi: the way of the horse and bow. The samurai's fabled  sword was used more as an awkward last resort type of thing. 

But that all changed in the 16th century, when guns began to become a thing. Ousted from the battlefield by superior ranged weaponry, the samurai took the rolls of bureaucrats and officials. 

This is when the symbolic katana became a thing. It became the go-to weapon of the honorable, dance-fighting, bushido following and completely fictional samurai that they had retroactively imagined in order to make them feel better about their crummy new desk jobs. 

Only Men Wear Pink

Blue the boy's color, and pink is the girl's. That's just how it is.
Well... now anyway.
You see, back in the day ("the day" being one in the 1900's) it didn't really matter what color cloth you were wrapping you infant in. This was mostly due to the insanely high child mortality rate at the time (in the US at the time, about 165 babies out of 1,000 died). You would probably just end up burying the thing anyway, so why splurge on specifically-colored garments?
And supposing the infants did survive, all cloth inevitably becomes one color after the freak bowel movements of the little chillen'.

However, this type of seldom-seen gender equality just wouldn't do for Earnshaw's Infant Department. In 1918, they released an editorial that stated pink was "a more decided and stronger color ... more suitable for the boy; while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl."
What?
Yes, you read it correctly, pink was for the lads and blue was for the lasses.
And I guess it makes sense if you think about it, pink is the color of raw meat, bloodstains, and roses- manly stuff like that.

But there came a time when, much like the proverbial browned undergarments, the gender's stereotypical colors changed.
In 1927 Time magazine started a debate as to which gender should get which color. Because that was all people did in the 20's. It was woefully boring.
After years of needless squabbling, in 1940 people just said "to hell with it" and decided blue should be for boys, and pink should be for very effeminate boys.

In the end it doesn't really matter which color you wear, male or female. Except for brown. Both should avoid that.

Japanese Speaking Natives of New Mexico

 

Dr. "Kill Those Axis Scum" Seuss

Dr. Seuss, if you somehow don't know, is an accomplished children's book writer and cartoonist. He has 46 books published, some of which you may have heard of. He's the man behind The Lorax, Fox in Socks, The Cat in the Hat, and many more radical children's books.

No affiliation. 

But those are the works of Dr. Seuss, one of many pseudonyms donned by Theodor Seuss Geisel (note the lack of the "Dr." prefix). Before Horton heard Whos, when green eggs and ham were considered unsanitary, and before the Nazis invaded Poland, Geisel wrote about proper boat lubrication. Contracted by General Oil, Geisel's first widely read literary achievement was a 30-page motorboat-care booklet entitled Secrets of the Deep. 

And then World War II started.

And little boat-polishing Geisel was no more.

Geisel was transformed into a colossal, furious, patriotic, and blatantly racist tornado. Which in the corse of a couple years, spit out more than 400 pro-war propaganda pieces. And that was before anyone even asked him to. In 1942, he joined the US army as commander of the animation department of the First Motion Picture Unit (yes that was a thing). Once in power, he spewed out even more anti-axis propaganda. This included such films as Your Job in Germany, Private Snafu, and Our Job in Japan (the latter of which won the Academy Award for best Short Film). 

Here's one of his masterpieces, a four minute long episode of Private Snafu entitled The Goldbrick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCMVpFUWXq4

Here are also a couple of my favorite cartoons:

"Would you kill Hitler in a box?"

"Would you kill them with some socks?"

After the war (and after receiving several prestigious awards for his Anti-japanese works), Geisel moved to California with his wife and started writing children's books. And the rest is history. 

Cat Piano

German psychiatrist Johann Chrstian Reil gave this world many things. For instance, he coined the phrase "psychiatry." He also gave us the cat piano.

This is every bit as terrifying as it sounds.

You see, Reil practiced a rather unorthodox method of psychiatry. He focused on scaring, harming, or just generally weirding out his patients in hopes that the traumatizing experience would bring them into a state of consciously where they would think more clearly and rationally. Which brings us to the cat piano.

Pictured: science.

Reil called it the Katzenklavier, and it is a literal cat piano. The unlucky cats involved in the experiment's tails were fasted under the hammers of the piano keys; so when one hit a key a corresponding cat would let out a dolorous melody.

Oddly enough, patients treated with the cat piano saw no significant progress in their mental illnesses.   They were also never able to look a cat in the eye again.

Agent 008 *HowToWriteABlogWhileStudyingForPhysics*

The following post is based around the entirely fact-based publication "CPM Algebra II Connections" (2007) by Judith Kysh. 

So if you are not familiar with The Case of the Cooling Corpse, firstly, I pity you. Secondly, fortunately for you, it can be found at this site: http://www.cpm.org/pdfs/information/conference/A2C_Problem_Solving_Reasoning_Logarithms.pdf
It's problem number 25 (you have to scroll down the page a little).

The wholly innocent idea of the story is to get kids to learn how to solve algorithms. However, Judith goes around doing this in the best possible way: a murder mystery.

If you didn't bother to read the link in the description, too bad. I'm not going to summarize the plot for you. Let's just say it involves a character named "Dr. Dedman", and a slight necrophilic sub-theme. And the main-cop-detective-agent character is named 008. Isn't that just the best.

Sadly, I cannot find a copy of the artwork for this particular problem. Your'e really missing out though. It looks like it was drawn by a gerbil having an epileptic seizure.

Here's a conclusion someone took the time to write to the saga:
http://207.62.24.5/prhs/jsteaffens/2007%20Student%20Work/Cooling%20Corpse%20Website/home/answer.html

Anyway, the point behind this post was that if I had to be inflicted with The Case of the Cooling Corpse, then everyone should be.

And if you didn't read the links I graciously provided to you; congratulations. You won.

The Jesus Family!

I have three questions for you.

First, what would the most holy family sitcom involve?

Answer: Jesus, obviously. (And possibly a sieve). 

Second, did you know that Jesus had at least four brothers and multiple sisters?

Answer: "Why of course I did! Because I am incredibly well-versed in scripture! I know they are mentioned in Mark 6:3 (Is this not the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? And they were offended at him) AND also referenced in Matthew 13:55-56 (Is not this the carpenter's son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Juda? And his sisters, are they not all with us? Whence then hath this man all these things?)."

Third and finally, do you see where I'm going with this?

Answer: "O beloved author of this incredibly fascinating blog, please take all of my money so that you can produce a family sitcom centered around Jesus and his numerous siblings!" 

Kanye West will star as the big JC himself. 

Isn't it perfect? Imagine your church crowded onto a sofa watching on a giant TV (the giant TV could be funded by the church's tax right-off) as Jesus with his brothers and sisters getting into whacky shenanigans, having petty arguments, fighting over girls/boys (maybe jesus is gay?), and sharing wonderful heartwarming moments of togetherness?

Some people think that Jesus' siblings were Joseph's from a past relationship. The show could incorporate that also; possibly a son/stepdad struggle? Either way, it would be great fun for the whole family.

And if the show does well enough, grab your crucifix and popcorn in time to catch the sister show: Jesus: High School Years.

Revenge Rape

*Mkay guys, we're all adults here. Rape is bad. I fervently hope that this is not knew knowledge to you, but just incase it is, don't say I didn't warn you. Well, I guess I haven't technically warned you yet. Bottom line here people, don't do rape. Unless you're the guy you are about to hear about. (Seriously people, rape is bad).*

A disclaimer brought to you by the USDA

So once upon a time (2009), an Azerbaijani man tracked down his son's rapist. Then revenge raped him. While recording it on a camera phone. Then proceeded to distribute the footage around the Azeri capital. Which, incidentally, is how the city police learned about this act of rather unorthodox vigilantism.

Now, both the parties are incarcerated and facing charges of "sexual offenses against minors" (the rapist was only 17) and "sexual offense conducted with prior collusion."

The moral of the story is that rape is bad.

                                                   

Censored Sound

       Tipper Gore. A name that still brings shivers to an entire generation. If you didn't happen to be alive in the 80's, Gore co-founded the Parents Music Resource Center (PMRC). The PMRC's goal was to censor music that was deemed unsanitary by them. During a Senate hearing in 1985 on the PMRC's proposal to censor undesirable music, Frank Zappa, Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider, and... um, John Denver eloquently spoke out against the righteous PMRC.

Pictured: PMRC

       Frank Zappa in particular may have spoken just a little bit too eloquently. In his argument, he compared the PMRC to a "sinister kind of 'toilet training program' to house-break all composers." He went on to peacefully state his opinion, commenting on how the PMRC acquired a Senate inquiry: "a couple of blow jobs here and there and bingo, you get a hearing!" 

      Shortly after the inquiry, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), began labeling certain albums with "Parental Advisory" stickers at the PMRC's behest. Rather unsurprisingly, Frank Zappa's newest album at the time, the Grammy winning Jazz from Hell, was bannered with one such sticker. What was surprising though, is that the album is entirely instrumental. 

That guitar sounds... naughty.

      Whether the album was label because of it's devastatingly evil song titles, such as G-spot Tornado, or just because the PMRC held a grudge, is unknown. But I'm gonna go out on a limb and lean towards the latter. 

                                    

It's Raining Sharks

Many people believe the classic cinema "Sharknado" is completely fictitious. Well, those people are fools, because sometimes live sharks fall out of the sky. 

Take that intelligent people. 

Anyway, one of the best (and only) tale of a live shark falling out of the sky, occurred in October of 2012, in a golf course in Capistrano, California. 

The club's course marshal (the guy who yells at people playing too slowly) happened upon the 2-foot leopard shark In a tree. 

The marshal was flabbergasted to find the animal still alive, so he threw it in the back of his gold cart and took it back to the lodge. Only there did someone suggest putting the shark in some water. 

The marshal then put the tank containing the resilient fish in his car, then proceed to drive to the ocean and release the creature; giving the proverbial middle finger to fate. 

It is theorized that the small shark was snatched by an osprey (one of the only birds in the area that could pick up a fish that heavy). The osprey then dropped the shark, for some reason. 

The more likely possibility though: Sharknado.

Appetite of an Emperor

What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten? Your neighbors consistently noisy cat? Your dirty laundry from when you just finished camping? A hamburger from Burger King? In any case, your pansy diet is nothing  compared to the ludicrous pallet of Emperor Heliogabalus of Rome.

Hint hint

Crowned at the spiffing age of 14, Heliogabalus proceeded to rule over the empire like, well, a 14 year old. Unsuspecting guests at his palace would often sit down to find whoopee cushions on their seats as they sat down to eat (some jokes are funny enough to transcend centuries). 

It is said that Heliogabalus never spent less than 10,000 sesterces ( around $1,000) on a meal. A typical feast for the gluttonous emperor might include an entire pig stuffed with live thrushes, a conger eel fattened of human slave meat, and/or sow's breasts with Lybian truffles. He also nurtured a particular fondness for bird's brains. He consumed the brains of, to name a few, thrushes, parrots, peacocks, and pheasants. He once ordered 600 ostrich heads solely for the divine purpose of brain consumption. He was like an eccentric zombie Big Bird.

"Thanks Google!"

Additionally, he financed a private fishing fleet for the sole purpose of harvesting a specific type of caviar. And if he ever had to eat something as mundane as say rice, he would season it with pieces of gold.

After 4 years of rule, Heliogabalus' reign came to a sudden halt thanks to assassination; but not before  he almost exhausted all of his empire's funds on bird brain.

House o' Bubble Wrap

Sometimes, inventors will invent an incredibly awesome product, but will have no idea how to utilize it. Such was the fate of play dough, aluminum foil, and bubble wrap.

Also like my new invention: WoodBoxWithStringsThatMakesNoiseGood (patent pending).

"But..." you may be thinking, "What else could bubble wrap possibly be used for?" The answer? Wallpaper. Inventors Alfred W. Fielding and Mark Chavannes originally peddled their product as the hip new thing in interior design. 

Unfortunately, it sold terribly. Not ones to be deterred by a little failure, the inventors set their sights on a new target market: greenhouse insolation. Predictably, the product failed miserably again. 

"Dammit Frank stop popping the walls and get back to work!"

And failed product it would have stayed, if it weren't for up and coming computer giant IBM. Fielding and Cavannes sold them their product to IBM, who wrapped their delicate, expensive, and cutting edge 1401 computer model in old wallpaper and shipped it to customers. Needless to say, it was instantly a huge hit.

Knee-high in Cobras

British controlled India had some problems. The British invaders were destroying India's religions, changing their government, and forcing them speak a whole new language. And also snakes were everywhere. More specifically cobras, which are statistically the worst type of snake to have everywhere.

The British governor of Delhi, none too pleased about said snakes, decided to offer a bounty on cobra skins. He figured a little money for one less venomous monster slithering around his city would do everyone a little good. The crowdsourced extermination took off all according to plan, the civilian population began slaughtering everything with scales they could get their hands on.

But the government, in their overzealousness for getting rid of the snakes, made one small mistake. They set the bounty for the skins too high. Namely, the reward for one dead snake was a significantly greater amount of money than it cost to breed and raise one.

You can see where this is going.

Many people realized that it was much easier to simply sit at home and raise cobras, compared to going out and actually hunting them. This realization gave birth to an entirely new profession: the snake farmer. Eventually the government, realizing the scaled mini-satans were still everywhere, caught on to the racket and called off the bounty. Predictably, this resulted in the snake farmers returning to their day jobs; loosing their worthless/terrifying stock into the city. Which, ironically, resulted in a much larger/terrifying infestation.