Whale Bombs!

                   It is common knowledge that the US Navy uses dolphins and sea lions for seeking out and disabling underwater mines. And what could be more terrorizing than a militarized "Flipper?"

Ba da. Ba da da da da da da. Bah Da Da DAHAHAHA

                      Whales of Mass Destruction. Yup the US military also employs orcas (killer whales) to, if the need arises, deliver nuclear weapons to shore of the enemy. The reasoning behind this is that this method is almost undetectable. Also the bomber's identity remains anonymous. So maybe the enemy will assume that whales are actually super-intelligent, and really hate them for some reason. 

It's not hard to imagine how the navy got this idea.
They do look a lot like submarines... And they are called "killer whales."
How could you not weaponize them?

                      According to one former navy cetacean trainer, whales are in fact being trained in America right now! The government obviously denies this, but that just means that it's true. Can you imagine PETA's reaction if they had evidence of this? Probably another Sara McGlacklin commercial.

And to think the Japanese were ridiculed for whaling. They could have been stopping WW3!

             Yea so there ya go. Don't trust whales kids.

Kilroy was Here

                Man, life before memes must have been really boring. How could a person express their creativity by using someone else's ideas/pictures? The answer, as is the answer to most questions, is graffiti. Lots and lots of graffiti.

Le OG funny meymey.

                   That right there, was spray painted on pretty much everything. Literally everything. In existence. Pretty much. It's everywhere from the Berlin wall, to the statue of liberty, to the great wall of China, to the Arch de Triuph, to the freakin' moon.

Actual picture. No but seriously it is on the moon. Google it.

                  So how is it that this great phenomenon came into existence? Nobody really knows. But it is theorized that it is a mix between a popular British cartoon character called "Mr. Chad," and the scribblings of a James J. Kilroy. 

                  You see, back in the 1930's people hired men like Kilroy to inspect the rivets in buildings. Now, most rivet-inspectors would simply put a check mark next to the rivet, but not ol' Kilroy. His signature touch was adding a caption under the rivet saying "Kilroy was here." And somehow that got mixed up with the doodle of Mr. Chad and the "Kilroy was here" joke was born. 

Just one of the many pop culture phenomenons created
from the professional riveting industry. 

                 An American born gag, "Kilroy was here" spread across the globe with the introduction of World War II. Soon, mischievous youngsters from all over the world joined in on the trend. 

                 Apparently back in those days of yore, this was pretty much the only way to feel like you were participating in a bigger thing. Man life sucked before the internet.                      

What's The Deal With Medieval Armor?

                     Ok, so there are a bunch of common misconceptions about the middle ages. I lightly touch on that fact here. Anyway, I thought that I would post something about one of the first things that pops into your mind when you think of the middle ages:

I've never met a dishonest pizza. 

                        Sadly this is not going to be about Round Table. Sorry for getting your hopes up. No, this blog is now about medieval armor. 

                      Okay! So misconception number one:  Plate armor was pretty much too heavy to move around in. Knights often had to be lowered onto their horses and were incredibly slow. 

FALSE! While plate armor is fairly heavy, weighing around 44-65 pounds, plate armor generally weighes less than full fireman gear.  The wearer could easily complete such tasks as mounting a horse. Plate is actually easier to move around in than chain mail, because chain mail requires stiff leather pads underneath.
                    

                      Number two! Only knights wore plate armor.

FALSE! Pretty much anyone could wear plate armor, assuming they could afford it. Which brings me to:
 
                      Number three! Only rich noble people could afford armor.

FALSE! Well, it really depended on the armor. You could buy a crudely constructed set of plate armor about the price of a few cows. On the other end, a German king bought a custom set of armor for 1,500 gold pieces (about 12x the salary of a senior court official).

                     So there you go. Now you can call your mama and officially say you know stuff about plate armor. Your welcome. Now I will leave you with this captioned photo that I couldn't fit in anywhere else:

Gotta go fast! Gotta go faster!
Haha it's funny because Sonic. Whatever.

                   

Genghis Khan Wasn't So Bad

                Everybody has hear of Genghis Khan. The ruthless barbarian who tore across Asia in the mid 1100's with his fearsome Mongol hoard. He raped, pillaged, then ate everything that crossed his path. He was an image of animalistic rage.

He was also really good at Polo. 

                 It turns out that you might have been grossly mislead. Think less "oriental viking on meth," and slightly more "nationalist/political activist." 

Pretty much like an intelligent version of George Bush.  Actually, not at all like
George Bush. Except he really liked his country. 

               You see, before Genghis Khan showed up, the Mongolia was just a bunch of scattered nomadic tribes that roamed around and fought each other. Khan unified the tribes peacefully, in just a couple of short decades. And he accomplished this politically rather than violently. He convinced the tribes that life under him would be way more awesome than their boring nomadic life. He even allowed defeated enemies join, allowing them to share in the spoils of war. He also based his commanders promotions on merit rather than politics. Soldiers had never been treated that well by their higher-ups, and really have not since. 

..........

                So once Khan amassed this massive amount of devout followers, he figured that his people would get antsy if they were left idle. So what was he to do? He arranged activities to keep them organized. Like massive hunts, the invention of several board games, and conquering the mainland of Asia. His invasions were really nothing more than a giant team-building exercise. 

Like this, but only with more rape and murder. 

No Iron Maidens Today Steve.

                  The Middle Ages were a pretty messed up time. What with all the raping, crusading, and torturing, it was hard to find the time to waltz down to the market to pick up a fresh batch of slaves!

All little Dave wanted for his birthday was a couple of his very own slaves.
Maybe next year little Dave...

                   As it turns out, the torturing might not have been so bad! The legendarily cruel medieval torture device known as the "iron maiden" or simply "the maiden," probably never existed!

Well then, I guess I'll have to remove my iron maidens from my torture-dungueo...
I... Uhh... mean my... cellar... *cough*

                   Well, technically they do exist, but they were never used as a torture device in the Middle Ages. They started appearing in European literature around the 19th century. And there is definitely no evidence that these devices were used on anybody.

                   "But I've seen iron maidens at plenty of museums!" You may be thinking. Well, that is actually why they exist. The whole "horrors of the medieval times" exhibits were wildly popular in the 19th century. They were especially popular among the English noble class. The iron maidens seen by them were simply thrown together for the exhibit. 

So the band is named after a fake piece of artistic junk from the 19th century to amuse
snobbish, rich, dusty, English people. 

                 These kinds of torture devices supposedly exist because even now, most of us want to believe that history is steadily moving forward. It makes us feel good about ourselves to feel "enlightened." The medieval times were an easy target for our wishful thinking due to its lack of written records about the time.

                So yea, the middle ages were not as brutally metal as you thought they were. They didn't inclose prisoners in spiky death-tombs. They usually just beheaded them with a sword, or locked them away in dungeons until they died of starvation and/or dehydration.

Jesus Isn't Happy When He's Hungry

                                                                Lets talk about Jesus.

I'd rather not...

                                  Well, it doesn't matter because I'm going to anyway. Uhh.

              So incase you haven't heard of him, there was this guy called Jesus. He roamed around with a bunch of dudes and preached to people about God. I should also mention he's supposedly the son of God. But just like any other person, son of God or not, Jesus got hungry. And when he got hungry, he got cranky.
           

You wouldn't like me... when I'm hungry...

              Here is an example:

 "And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said unto it, 'Let no fruit grow on you ever again.' Immediately the fig tree withered away." - Matthew 21:18-21 (King James)

               Whoa there Jesus! Aren't you supposed to be a pacifist? That was a bit... over the top, no? Isn't shouting things to death more in Damian's department? Or Satan's? I don't know. Eat a Snickers or something. 

Proof that Google Image has a picture of Jesus with everything.

                                           

April Fooligans

               In light of the recently-passed holiday of "april fools," Lets take a look at great april fools prank that happened waaaaay back in the late 1970's. It happened in the past, it's history, it counts.

It was a very crucial time in human evolution. 

               On June 20, 1977, Anglia TV in England broadcasted a documentary titled "Alternative 3" as part of a serious weekly called "Science Report." The show normally featured the latest technology of the 70's (like A-tracks and other ancient stuff), and various doings of the scientific community. However during this special episode, things went a little differently. The announcer explained that the documentary had started as a piece on British scientists leaving the country for better jobs, but soon they discovered that scientists from all over the world were going missing. Hmmm. 

                The document producers then said that the scientists were leaving earth via an unknown space program. They also claimed to have uncovered the governments three-stage plan to deal with the impending environmental disaster that was sure to come:

                 

                 Alternative one: Curb population.

                 Alternative two: House government officials underground until danger passes. 

                 Alternative three: Send humanities brightest minds to a colony on Mars. 

Seem familiar? Ok actually I've never seen this movie I just know Mars is in it.

                  The show even boasted an actual account from an American astronaut telling them of a secret moon base hidden on the moon! How many people could possibly be fooled by this? Apparently, a lot. Or at least a lot of people were confused enough to call in and ask what the heck was going on. It turns out that this was a piece specially prepared for april fools, but was delayed two months by a strike. 

                  Oh, and the best part. There are hundreds of people who still believe this! There are many many web sights dedicated to proving that we are in fact in the middle of Alternative 3. Typical internet.