Never Did William Tell

                 Most everybody knows of William Tell. Or at least know he shot an apple off a kid's head with an arrow. Or maybe just "The William Tell Overture," which is the Lone Ranger Theme.

 

Insert pedophile joke here

                 However, everybody knows the legend of William Tell by heart. The story goes like this: In the early 1300's, what would become their country was held by Austria. One day, an official named Albrecht Gessler tried to force everyone in the village of Uri to bow to his hat. William Tell declined to do so, so Gessler demanded Tell to shoot an apple off his sons head with an arrow from 120 paces away. If he failed, both he and his son would be killed. 

Because, yaknow, hats.

                   So Tell grabbed two arrows and shot the apple off his kids head in one shot. When Gessler asked why Tell had grabbed two arrows, Tell told him that if he had missed with the first one, the second arrow would be for Gessler. Angry, Gessler ordered Tell to the dungeon, but he escaped and later killed Gessler. Tell's defiance inspired the people of Switzerland to rebel against their oppressors, and eventually form the Swiss Confederacy. 

                   But Swiss Tell never existed. In fact, the story is a rip off of a story involving a 10th century viking named Toko. Just like Tell, Toko had to shoot an apple off his sons head, and saved a second arrow for the man who forced him to do it. The only real difference is that Toko was extremely drunk and his son was running down a hill. 

The moral of the story is that the Vikings did/discovered/killed everything first.

                 Tell's story was also supposed to have inspired the Swiss people to destroy various Austrian castles, but evidence showed that the castles in question had already been destroyed decades before Tell was supposed to exist.

                 Nonetheless, a survey from 2011 said that 60% of the Swiss people believe William Tell existed. Tell is such a strong force in Switzerland's culture that even today all Swiss exports have a little  crossbow symbol stamped on them in his honor. 

Along side Switzerland's other main exports, including cheese and fat kids blowing alphorns.