De-Bilbized I

          Remember that post about bibleizing "The 12 Days of Christmas"? Well, there are also instances where things become, umm, un-bibleized. Or maybe de-bibleized. Hmm... Anyway the church made some pretty major edits in their bible over time. One of these edits is known as: The Acts of John. A more appropriate title may be: The Act of John Speaking Bed Bugs.

You try talking to bed bugs and see what happens. Nothing.

          The Acts of John was so crazy, not only did the church remove it from the bible, they burned almost all copies of it. It all starts when John and his apostles stay at an inn inside of the the town they are passing through. Unfortunately, the inn only has one available bed. And John gets it, because God and stuff. And to make matters worst, the bed is full of bed bugs. So John talks to them. Because, yaknow, God and stuff. He says:

I say unto you, O bugs, behave yourselves, one and all, and leave your abode for this night and remain quiet in one place, and keep your distance from the servants of God.

Pictured: John

And so John uses his Austin Powers themed mind powers on the bugs, who leave. John sleeps on the bed (the apostles probably slept on the floor), and everyones happy. In the morning John walks outside to find the groups of insects and says:

Since ye have well behaved yourselves in hearkening to my rebuke, come unto your place.

John invites the bugs back into the inn, where they scamper happily back into the bed, and John leaves. Win-win for everybody. This was in the bible.

"Hey John do you think you could tell these flees to leave us alone?
No? You can just talk to bedbugs.  Whatever".