Snipers Are All Pu- *KAPTWAP*

           Lets talk about karma. Whether you believe in it or not, it's out there. Watching, waiting, calculating the right moment to strike. With the in mind, let me tell you about Union General John Sedgwick.

Is it just me or is there a similarity between these last articles?

          In the Spotsylvania Court house Battle of the American Civil War, General John Sedgwick was in charge of maintaining artillery. Confederate snipers were constantly a threat, so John was instructed by the chief of staff to stay away from the front/and or sharpshooters.

Kids, this is what we call "foreshadowing". 

           When the enemy started to shoot, John's men started ducking for cover. John would have none of that. He berated his underlings for abandoning there positions and said: "What? Men dodging this way from single bullets? What will you do when they open fire upon the whole line?I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."

           I bet you can guess what happened next. If you guessed nothing, you win! John completed his speech unharmed and continued to belittle his men. One of his men spoke up, saying that if he had not dodged in a previous battle, he would have died. John laughed it off and repeated: "I'm ashamed of you, dodging that way. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance!" And then he immediately took a bullet through his left eye. 

Thats a watermelon, but yaknow, pretty much the same thing.

          Yup, good ol' Sedgwick got a face full of karma. And by karma, I mean bullet. He got a face full of bullet.

Oh, and this is what the punk looked like. Maybe I'm being a little harsh...

No but seriously don't mess with snipers.

De-Bilbized I

          Remember that post about bibleizing "The 12 Days of Christmas"? Well, there are also instances where things become, umm, un-bibleized. Or maybe de-bibleized. Hmm... Anyway the church made some pretty major edits in their bible over time. One of these edits is known as: The Acts of John. A more appropriate title may be: The Act of John Speaking Bed Bugs.

You try talking to bed bugs and see what happens. Nothing.

          The Acts of John was so crazy, not only did the church remove it from the bible, they burned almost all copies of it. It all starts when John and his apostles stay at an inn inside of the the town they are passing through. Unfortunately, the inn only has one available bed. And John gets it, because God and stuff. And to make matters worst, the bed is full of bed bugs. So John talks to them. Because, yaknow, God and stuff. He says:

I say unto you, O bugs, behave yourselves, one and all, and leave your abode for this night and remain quiet in one place, and keep your distance from the servants of God.

Pictured: John

And so John uses his Austin Powers themed mind powers on the bugs, who leave. John sleeps on the bed (the apostles probably slept on the floor), and everyones happy. In the morning John walks outside to find the groups of insects and says:

Since ye have well behaved yourselves in hearkening to my rebuke, come unto your place.

John invites the bugs back into the inn, where they scamper happily back into the bed, and John leaves. Win-win for everybody. This was in the bible.

"Hey John do you think you could tell these flees to leave us alone?
No? You can just talk to bedbugs.  Whatever".

Ye Olde The

           Way back before dictionaries, people could hardly speak correctly. If you were to travel back in time to the Dark Ages, the air would be filled with the sounds of "thou"s, "thust"s, "thee"s, and "ye''s. Why, one could go to any Renaissance fair, and there would be as many "ye''s as there is fake chain mail and incredibly exited nerds.

By morns light, I toil as a McDonalds  patron. But come twilight, I doth
don ye olde garb and drivith mine Prius down to the revelrous fair. Verily. 

           With so many people saying "ye" that way, it must have been something people actually said. Right? Hahaha nope. Well not technically. You see the Y at the beginning of "ye" shouldn't actually be a Y. It should be an Old English-- excuse me, Olde English -- letter called the thorn. 

Not to be mistaken for the chemical sign for lead.

           And another thing, it's pronounced "th." So it's "The Old Grenade Outlet Bargain Emporium", not "Ye Olde Grenade Outlet Bargain Emporium." So it begs the question, how did we get into the habit  of saying "Ye" wrongly? Well, as you may have guessed, it's all the German's fault. 

I google image searched Germany and this came up. Typical. 

          It all started when German typesetters were the only ones making letters. And they didn't have a thorn letter because they were, well, German. So they substituted the thorn in "ye" with a Y, because they looked similar in handwritten form. This was fine, because people at the time knew what it was supposed to be. It's like us understanding what "Ke$ha" means. 

"Nope, ze thorn iz to hard to cawrve." - Some American faking a German accent.

The 12 Days Code

       
           As everyone knows, the memorable christmas song "The Twelve days of Christmas" is actually a secrete code-song for the Christian faith. What, you've never heard of that totally legitimate historical fact? Maybe you will understand if I reveal the secrets of the song to you, the reader of this blog. You see from the 15th - 18th centuries Christianity was frowned upon in some places. So the christians wrote a song to celebrate their religion. Here is the code:

1 Partridge/Pear tree stands for Jesus
2 Turtle doves = the new and the old testament  
3 French hens = faith, hope, and love or the Holy Trinity
4 collie birds = the four gospels
5 golden rings = Pentateuch (first four books of the bible)
6 geese a-laying = 6 days in which God created earth
7 swans a-swimming = the 7 gifts of the Holy spirit
8 maids a-milking = the 8 beatitudes (blessed are...)
9 drummers drumming = the 9 fruits of the Holy Spirit
10 pipers piping = the ten commandments
11 ladies dancing = the eleven apostles (Judas doesn't count for some reason)
12 lords a-leaping = 12 statements in Apostles' Creed (which would be an epic band name)

See? Don't you get it now? Jesus and partridges? It all makes sense right?

            You don't see it? Well lucky you, because its a load of @#$%*& (writers note: I have never used many of those keys before). So yea, this myth is simply another example of Christians biblizing everything. Like when a devout christian thanking Jesus for the heart-shaped rock they found.

See because the rock symbolizes God, who is Jesus, who made rocks and hearts,
and this is a rock and a heart in one! So join our church. 

           It turns out this myth was developed in 1979 by a Canadian english teacher who said he came up with the theory when he was talking to some old Canadians. And it cannot be true because the song originates from France, where Christianity was the main religion at that time. And there are other reasons that I don't really want to type out, so bye.

Typical English teacher move, making stuff up. Like saying
that "bibilizing" is not a real word. 

History of the Popsicle

          The popsicle as you know it was invented in 1905 by a strapping young lad named Frank Epperson. He was only eleven years old when he invented the originally named Epsicle. He had the idea when he left his fruit flavored soda out on the porch with a stir stick in it. The next morning he licked his genius creation, and found it appealing.

Sorry I couldn't find a picture of "fruit flavored soda" from the 1900's,  but this is arguably better. 

           It took Epperson 18 more years to apply for a patent for a "frozen ice on a stick". Which kids immediately started calling the "popsicle" after its release. In 1925 Epperson sold his famous creation to the Joe Lowe Company of New York. (No relations to the modern "Lowes", the home improvement empire). Soon Good Humor bought the rights from them, and they own them still. 

Good Humor made popsicles crazy.

          Oh, and also twin popsicles (two popsicles smashed together) were invented during the Great Depression.

Fine Dining: King Heart

            Louis XIV of France (also known as Louis the Great) ruled from 1643 to 1725, the longest French reign yet. He conquered, balanced the counties debt, and ate fancy cheeses. He was an absolute monarch and an excellent king.

Imagine Obama trying to pull off that look.

           He fell prey to gout in 1725 and soon died, and was laid to rest in the Royal crypt never to be disturbed. Until the French Revolution started. Somehow, during the chaos a group of French peasants broke in a stole his mummified heart. We don't know exactly what their motives where, their French. Anyway somehow through all the rioting, angry pitchfork wielding, and fine wine sipping, the heart made its way to England. In the very capable hands of Reverend William Buckland.

He looks like a reasonable fellow, who wouldn't do something crazy, like I don't know....

          Willy B loved eating exotic things. He had eaten giraffe steak and elephant trunk. So by the time Louis' heart reached his hands, his palate was a little jaded. And what better way to revive his peckish taste buds than some cannibalism? 

 

          Willy dined on king heart on Christmas day. He thought it would grant him immortality for some reason (spoiler alert, it didn't). I don't even know what was going on at that time that invited people to take such odd actions. Those French...

            

Half Communist on My Mother Russia's Side

         Imagine what Japan would be like if it was in the same situation as Korea. One half would be the fun, adorable, anime-loving country we know, and the other half a discombobulated pseudo-communist  nightmare. That was very close to happening in the last few days of World War II.

         As the great war drew to a close, the next conflict was already emerging. The Soviets and the rest of the allied countries were scrambling to get a chunk of the territory left behind by the defeated Axis armies. Thats why a few counties ended up split like North and South Korea, and East and West Germany. That exact thing almost ended up happening to Japan.

The top will be called North Japan, and the bottom will be called East California. 

         See in 1945, the Red Army rolled into Jap-controlled Manchuria. That invasion started the same day America dropped the atom bomb on Nagasaki. Due to the two imposing forces, Japan was being crushed and ended up surrendering six days later. However, it was recently revealed to us that the USSR had plans to continue across the Pacific Ocean and invade Hokkaido. Then mount a full scale invasion of Japan and sweep part of it into the fancy Communist life style. 

Kinda like America, if Justin Bieber was Communism. 

          Fortunately, Stalin decided against carrying out that particular plan. Although we don't exactly know why, historians speculate that Stalin didn't want to spread his army out so thin across the Pacific Ocean. Or he just didn't feel like it. 

         

          So what would Japan be like if Russia had invaded? Would Japan be the technological power house they are today? How would it have influenced the cold war? Would there be a funny Japanieze version of Kim Jong Un? Would the border be fiercely controlled by non-japanieze people?

Guess who's side this would have been on.